General Penis Candy

Super Fun Penis Candy

If men knew the goings-on at bachelorette parties, they would pass laws against them. Thanks to an airtight female conspiracy, that will never happen. Where else but a bachelorette party could we make fun of our husbands’ and boyfriends’ insultingly small peckers without fear of reprisal? Start the conversation rockin’ with these small bags of tiny fruit-flavored penis candies in assorted fun colors, five per package. Before you know it, you’ll be spouting TMI like a real lush. No worries: you won’t remember a thing in the morning.

Dick Tarts

How do you tell the difference between a Dick Tart and a tart dick? One is the result of incomplete hygiene and perhaps too much acidy food, while the other is a delicious penis-shaped candy in a shaker bottle that you can whip out at any time for an amusing taste treat. Plus Dick Tarts are available in peppermint, orange, strawberry, cherry, spearmint, banana, and cinnamon flavors, and come 20 per container. Real dicks taste salty and come too quickly.

Penis Gummies

These fruit flavored gummy candies remind us of the kind our aunt kept in a covered jar in the parlor, now in popular dick shapes. Once you’ve sucked on these little morsels, you’ll insist that all of your penis candy be awesomely delicious. Choose a lemon, lime or strawberry flavor or just pop a few different kinds into your mouth at once. These candies even transcend the bachelorette category. As in, “Dude, you know that candy I just gave you? It was totally a penis. You’re like one of those guy who sucks penises.” Good stuff.

Pecker Patch Sours

I’m breathing in, I’m breathing out
Being with you is just no doubt
I’m going crazy and there’s nothing I should do
I can’t, Can’t live without you
— Justin Bieber

If the poet of our generation says he can’t live without sour gummy penises, then I guess we just need to believe him. And, when you think about it, he’s right. There you are, holding a bachelorette party with lots of penis-shaped novelties and decorations and nothing for your guests to eat. Step one: buy these gummies. Step two: problem solved.